"I was always blamed for everything that was going wrong, everything which was related, or even unrelated to me..., I was scared that even a small mistake like spilling a glass of water would make him call me names and start the list of how careless and imperfect I was. I want to be perfect for him, I want to make our relationship work, I want him to be happy with me..., but no matter what I do, I am never good enough... or even close to being good enough...
Is this something that you can relate to? Do you think what you are going through right now is emotional abuse? Wait, if you think that "because you are NOT being physically hit, or you are NOT being accused without any reason, and that everything that is happening is because of your fault"... this is not an emotional abuse, then just think over this question, 'Is constant verbal or physical yelling for small issues, normal?' If your answer to this question is 'NO' then you are right to think that you are being emotionally abused. On the other hand, if living in this environment has made you answer this question as a 'YES', then see how being in an emotionally abusive relationship has started affecting you already! When you are constantly being accused of all that is wrong, when you are forced to believe that there is nothing right that you can do, or you don't deserve to be happy and loved, or even to raise your own opinion, it is natural to feel depressed, angry, left out, lonely, and have a low self esteem. If this is what is happening to you, then you need to learn how to deal with emotional abuse and take things under your control. The only reason you are being abused is because you are letting your partner/relative abuse you. It's time to take a few necessary steps, the first one begins by reading the following write up.
What Should be Done to Deal with Emotional Abuse in a Relationship?
We enter into a relationship with a person who makes us believe that we are worth being loved and cared for..., that we are someone who brings in the best in them and vice-versa..., that we are perfect for them and they are perfect for us. But when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, understand that there is nothing perfect going on here! You are in an emotionally abusive relationship right now, you are going through a lot of stress, you want to run away, but then you still hope that things will work out sooner or later. So what can you do to help the relationship work?
You are Abused because You are Allowing Yourself to be Abused!
"Wait, you mean to say that I am encouraging my life to be miserable? I am the one who wanted my partner to make me feel worse than a piece of furniture in the house?" Though this may be difficult to accept, but the fact remains that yes, you are being abused because you are allowing it to happen to you. For example, something upsets the abuser and he or she starts calling you names, you try to retaliate but his or her temper overpowers you and because you don't want to 'make things worse', you keep quiet and listen. What did this signify? You kept quiet because you didn't wish to upset the abuser even more, but he or she, on the other hand thought that you are OK with him yelling at you and that you accept the fact that you deserve all of it. Now, I don't want you to start yelling back, but make it clear to him that you don't deserve this kind of treatment and you are not going to entertain this in the future.
Let the Abuser know How it is Affecting You!
What most of the victims of emotional abuse do, is that they remain silent about the whole thing and pretend that they have learned to live with it. This is something that you must never do! I mean, you need to let the abuser know that his or her dominant and controlling behavior is affecting you deep within. Speak to the abuser like a friend, though it would be difficult considering their temperament, try to show the abuser how you are sulking within and how badly you want things to be healthy and normal again. Realization is the first step towards change, which is definitely required for this relationship to work.
If the Abuser doesn't Change, You Can!
You can't clap with just one hand, can you? A significant change is required by both the parties, so if he or she cannot change instantly, you can bring some changes in your approach towards the relationship. In order to do this, it is very important to set clear boundaries in your relationship. Tell the abuser that name calling, yelling, and blaming is not acceptable any more and that it is destructing the relationship instead of saving it. Try to make them understand that in order to save the relationship, both of you should let go the past and establish some rules and boundaries which should not be broken at any cost. Though it would be difficult to achieve in the initial stages, make the abuser understand that the moment the respect in the relationship is gone, you would choose to stay away till the respect, honor, and love that should exist in a relationship, is restored again.
Consult a Counselor and Help Him or Her Change
To be really honest, if changing the abuser was this simple, things would have been different for a lot of victims today. Most of the people who abuse their partners either suffer from a controlling personality disorder or have been treated the same way by their ex partner or by their parents during their childhood. The roots of this behavior mostly need professional help. So, if you can talk it out with your partner and seek professional help, it will definitely help in making the relationship work. Otherwise you will have to seek professional help because of stress and depression.
What Should Not be Done while Dealing with Emotional Abuse?
As important as it is to know what should be done while dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship, it is equally important to know what should not be done in this situation! And trust me, most of the victims, in an attempt to keep things under control, end up doing things that ultimately make things out of control. Make sure you don't end up falling in that category!
Understand that it is NOT YOUR FAULT!
Blame it on the situation, blame it on the abuser, blame it on anything else but NEVER EVER blame it on yourself! If you are in a relationship with a person who is more of a control freak than being a good partner, then it is not your fault. If he/she thinks you are imperfect or that you are not good, then it is their fault and not yours! Remember, the moment you lose your self esteem and respect and accept that everything happening is your fault and not the abuser's, you are closing the doors to your happiness. The main reason why a person ends up becoming a control freak is because of their own insecurities and past experiences, not because you have made their life like this.
Don't Ever Think of Harming Yourself!
When dealing with constant torture and abuse, it is normal to feel like harming yourself..., but extremely abnormal to think that it is a solution to any problem! Many people suffering from an abusive partner end up in harming themselves or committing suicide! Remember, you deserve to live a happy life. Remember that you have friends and family to take care of you. If your partner doesn't respect you, there are others who do. Take control of your life and choose to live and not die while suffering in vain!
He or She Will NOT Change Overnight!
Abusing is the nature of the abuser..., and it is very difficult to change the nature once it is formed. So if you have spoken to him about your relationship and talked things out, don't think that the change will happen right from the next morning. It will take time... loads of time, and if you are willing to give time, then be prepared for a slow change.
Don't Keep the Abuse a Secret!
"You can't take this anymore, you feel like your relationship is drifting apart, you feel helpless, you are stuck, you feel like talking to someone... but wait, you can't tell others about this! What will they think of you and your partner? You can't embarrass yourself and your family like this?" Is this what you feel when you think of opening up? Let me tell you clearly, the more you keep the abuse to yourself, the more damage you are causing to the relationship and to yourself. I am not asking you to tell the whole world, but you should always keep a close family member or a friend in the loop.
This is what you can do to deal with emotional abuse in relationships. However, I would strictly recommend that if things are really bad, You need to get out! When things become really bad, you are being yelled at all the time, you are called names, your character is questioned upon..., you really need to get out!! Do you realize that procrastination can lead you to become a victim of physical and/or sexual abuse? If all this is happening to you and you believe that things can get worse, then you need to get out of that house or relationship as soon as possible. Call 911 as soon as your safety is questioned upon. I believe you are the best judge to know when you can hope for the relationship to still work, and when is the time to let go of the relationship. Stay quiet, stay stuck; or take a step and be free and happy. All the best! God bless.